This is a whiny not-body-positive post. If that's not your jam - move along. You've been warned.
Today was my 15th class. I've completed five technique classes and my tenth cardio kickboxing class. My reward for the 15 classes? Hayabusa glove deodorizers and because I don't want to pay shipping again later- the Captain Marvel Hayabusa wraps that Hubs will be hiding from me until I complete 30 classes.
Didn't think that class 15 was going to happen today. My daughter started vomiting at 4 AM this morning. Stepping into the office after helping her and going back to sleep, Hubs asked what we wanted to do. He was planning to attend ax throwing league this evening and apparently my dear daughter threw up an additional 4 times after the initial alarm. I was bummed. Especially cause I had a high intensity meeting planned for the afternoon and was looking forward to class afterwards.
Around 11AM I remembered that there were daytime classes that I might be able to fit between my meetings. I immediately put down my iced coffee so that I could go. Gave half a thought to my semi full stomach, put my privelaged ass in the car and headed out for the noon kickboxing class.
I don't know if it was testing my slips in the mirror and thinking my large body looks markedly like Bowser.
Or the nagging fear that I was going to throw up the brussel sprout, potato and egg burrito I had for brunch.
The way I held my breath through the combinations.
Or the weight of disappointment from struggling so much.
Also, supremely unhelpful - the tapes playing in my head.
"Oh my god, I don't think I can do anymore."
"This is my 15th class, and I haven't really gotten any better."
"I'm fat, so I'm literally having to lift/move so much more than these other people. And its so hard!"
"Can I leave early?"
It wasn't all bad. Also kept trying to encourage myself to keep doing a little more. Even if its slow or part of it, just keep going.
I watched a woman in front of me pow-pow-powing through her combination tired and glowing with satisfaction. Blown away with how we could be 8 feet apart and having such diametrically opposing experiences.
Coach missed me when he handed out the fist bumps to the class. I brush away the worry that he's disappointed in how poorly I did. There's enough mental bullshit to deal with already, I don't need to add assumptions about other people.
The owner chatted with me afterwards, trying to share some encouraging words about how you could tell that the technique classes were making me look better during the class. And I just wanted to scream. Dude, that was not good! #InHindsightImFeelingALittleLikeAJerk
If I had to do it again, I would take the rest day. Barring that, better self talk.
Think there's joy to be had in the movements. And a new lightness in my body. And I know that even the crappiest workout is light years ahead of spending all my time on the couch. There are going to be crappy days, that's part of the process. And maybe a lot of my process for the next I don't even know how long. Because I'm not good yet. And my body is still changing. And the internet would tell me that I have to put in the work. So in that spirit, I leave you with this Ira Glass quote. Cause it captures how I feel about the boxing.
“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ~Ira Glass